28 THE WADSWORTH GAS ATTACK a n d RIO GRANDE RATTLER f<*s><»><»<$><^<sx*><4$x*x4sxi^<s><s><s^<*xsx43>4>4>4^<8xsxs><sxixs4>^^ <♦> <$> i Little Drops of Plater § <§> <§> <$> <£> <$> <£> I Constantly dropping will eventually wear away the hardest stone on which they fall, and I | | know if I keep constantly telling you why I can save you money on high grade SHOES, f t HATS and CLOTHING, YOU will eventually become a customer if you are not one already. I <$> <J> t I buy from manufacturers direct, and can save you paying MIDDLEMAN’S percentage. | <j> <£> I I buy for cash and can give you the benefits of discount, I <$> • <^> t I own my own storehouse and do not have to add an extra charge for store rent. t <§> <J> <j> <$> <♦> <§/ I SOLDIERS ARMY SHOES, best quality, - $4.98 % ‘ <♦> ! ARMY HATS FOR SOLDIERS, from $2.00 to $3.75 I BEE HIVE, The Cheapest Store J. D. COLLINS Spartanburg, South Carolina ETHELBURT JELLYBACK, PRIVATE, HAS ANOTHER IDEA. Coining, as I do, from one of the first fam ilies in the country, I, E’thelburt Jellybaek, often wonder why I am not a first-class p ri vate. Strange, the m o rning after I enlisted, and reported a t the arm o ry, tbe Captain pub lished some orders. I was a bit nervous. I felt sure th a t my nam e would be announced as having been made a corporal—mayhap, a sergeant. W h a t was my surprise to find th a t my nam e w asn’t even m entioned! N e ither has it been to this day. Can you im agine w h a t agonized speculation has grown up in my m ind—I, E thelburt Jellybaek, who in civil life was accustomed to much honor and re spect, partly due to my social station, partly to m y personality, and who used to thin k up the dearest things for sister’s place cards! I once approached the Captain on this very topic. Tbe Captain, I knew, was a stickler for m ilitary discipline, and courtesy. B u t so am I. I love form ality. Accordingly, I said to him : “Sir, P rivate Jellybaek reports th a t he has m a stered the In fa n try D rill Regulations, the Non-Commissioned Officers ’ M anual and the Field Service Regulations; th a t he has led the Blue Army to ultim a te victory through all the Studies in M inor Tactics, not to m en tion sundry books of a quasi-m ilitary flavor which have all borne their share in fitting him for prom o tion—such as tbe Anthology of P a triotic Songs, and L illian L ilac’s ex quisite volume, P ink Poems of a Pale P ri vate. Sir, Private Jellybaek also reports th a t both of his cotton suits have but recently come back from tbe laundry, as im m aculate as those rough cleansers could accomplish it, and th a t he is well accoutred to ste j | into any position you see fit to give him .” Our Captain, usually so stalw a rt, strong, and free from common physical ailm ents, fell into a violent coughing spell. I was aston ished. The coughing spell threatened to de velop into a paroxysm. A t length he shook off the seizure and told me he would take up my case. B u t do you know, I have never heard another word from him! However, there is som e thing I am going to bring to his attention at once. It is the K itchen Police! W ords alm o st fail me in expressing my exasperation a t having been put on th a t vexatious detail. The horrors of its functions are w ith me still, and so is the odor of the nasty smoke, and the grease. How I loathe grease. My whole soul rebels a t it. It is so unnecessary. A t home I never w ent near the kitchen. I had no desire to. Furtherm o re, Nora, the cook, put obstacles in my way—once a fry ing pan, another tim e a flatiron. On kitchen police I came in direct con tact w ith a display of objects th a t appalled me. Pots, pans, pans, pots. Scour and scrub, scrub and scour. Peel potatoes, split wood, sweep the mess hall. And flies! I discovered th a t even the flies come South for the w inter. D irty w ater, soiled dish cloths, garbage cans, pails of slop—and I, who have m arched so sm a rtly down F if th Avenue to the music of a m ilitary band. How, in Heaven’s name, if I am to have my intellectual endowment vitiated by kitchen police, am I to m ake the world safe for democracy? I never realized before w h a t a cruel w a r it was. W hy doesn’t Uncle Sam have some sort of person—a niece, say, to do the w o rk in the kitchen? T h a t is w h a t I am going to broach to the Captain—the hiring of a sufficient num b er of cook’s helpers to do the m e n ial labor. B u t first I m u s t run up and m a il a letter to President W ilson. I have an ad m irable idea to give him for tbe camouflage departm e n t of the arm y. It is really very simple. All great ideas are. It is to force all the soldiers to raise olive drab m o u s taches, like mine, and then when we parade there will be a regulation sm a rtness about the facial appearance of our troops. I have other ideas, too, but I sim p ly can’t put them all into execution at once. You can appreciate my perplexity. One thing at a time, as the butler used to say when he opened my eggs at breakfast. C. D.