8 THE WADSWORTH GAS ATTACK a n d RIO GRANDE RATTLER You Mustn’t H ypnotize the Mess Sergeant Division Order Has Been Issued Against Indiscriminate Use of Science. 4 ‘H e reafter no enlisted man of this division will be subjected to hypnotic influence w ith out the approval of the division surgeon.” T h is order, issued from division head quarters recently, caused the Gas A ttack to detail one of its bright young reporters to m ake an investigation into the hypnotic situation in camp. The Order is a Preventive. F irst, it was discovered th a t Lt.-Col. E. R. Maloney issued the above order as a pre ventive. It was to prevent rum o rs getting around th a t enlisted m en w ere being hypno tized for the am u sem e n t of officers or other enlisted men. H y p n o tism m u s t he used wisely, he said, and judiciously. Second, it was discovered th a t a seance took place a t which M ajor J. B. Sharp and Sergeant M ajor Tector, of the B ritish arm y, successfully practiced hynosis before “a distinguished com p any.” U n fortunately for our readers, no reporter for the Gas A ttack v/as present at this seance. But the vigi lan t sleuth of the staff who was detailed to “go out and find out som ething—if you can,” cam e back w ith the repo r t th a t at this seance a subject drank th r e e pints of w a ter and enjoyed it more than he has any drink consum ed since camp was estab lished here. He was told, w h ile in the hypnotic state, th a t the w a ter was beer. It is unofficially reported th a t the subject, upon aw akening, begged the m a jor to hypno tize him again. The W ork of M ajor Sharp. M ajor Sharp, it is understood, has done some valuable w o rk w ith hynosis in the base hospital. But the repo r ter couldn’t get a t th e facts in the case. A n o ther enlisted m an who was a sub ject a t the seance was m ade to believe he was a French general. As such he made a polite speech to the company. A n o ther played an im a g inary hurdy-gurdy and grew exceedingly peeved w h en any one tried to annoy the leather puttee he held under his arm —it was the monkey, of course. All of the m en came out of the hypnotic state feeling b e tter than w hen they w ent into it, for a strong suggestion was left in the m ind of each th a t he would aw ake in a pleasant fram e of mind. Our reporter suggests th a t this suggestion should be applied to every m an in the division just before reveille. Interview s W ith Mere Privates. Our reporter, unable to reach high officers in his investigation, fell hack up<jjjo. in ter viewing ordinary privates. P rivate Billy Payne told him : “W e have had our revolvers taken away from us recently. This was not done for the purpose of issuing new ones, as some believe, but because we are to carry none at all. Instead each of us will be issued lessons in hypnotism , and w hen we get to the other side and m eet the Germans, we will sim p ly m ake a few hypnotic passes w ith our hands and lo, th e H u n s will drop their guns and stand still in th e ir tracks. This way the w a r will be won w ithout blood shed. But don’t say I gave you this inside inform ation. Don’t under any circum stances use my name. I spell it w ith a ‘y’.” W h a t P rivate Jones Said. To our reporter P rivate John Jones said: “Yes, I have read th e division order against indiscrim inate hypnotizing. But w h a t I am in doubt about is this: W ould hypnotizing the m ess sergeant into giving you seconds be put in the indiscrim inate class?” P rivate Sm ith inform ed our reporter as follows: “I am going to ask the division surgeon for perm ission to be hypnotized. I w a n t to be told th a t I am back on Broadw ay on a furlough, th a t it is eleven o’clock at night, th a t I have ju s t come from the ‘Follies,’ th a t I am now sitting a t a table in R e c tor’s, and there’s a sound of revelry by night—not reveille.” P rivate Brow n ’s Communication. P rivate Brown perm itted the reporter to see a com m u n ication he had ju s t draw n up. It read: “To: Division surgeon. F ro m : P rivate Brown. Subject: Revenge. “P rivate Brown requests the division surgeon to give hiis approval to the hypno tizing of P rivate Brown into a comm issioned officer. P rivate Brown desires to enter the state of trance in the presence of his first sergeant, and to be told to reduce the first sergeant to a private in full view of the entire company.” The reporter for the Gas A ttack obtained other interview s, but they w e re all of a sim ilar nature. C. D. OH, SAY CAN YOU SING? Do you know the S tar Spangled B anner? Be honest, now. Do you? Or do you have to fill in m issing w ords w ith “da da da de da” ? Ten to one you don’t know the first verse. Twenty to one you don’t know all of it. W h y not learn it? You can fix the words in your mind some night w h en you are on guard. Once you fix them there you won’t have to cough and “da de da” your way through your national anthem . T ry singing it over to yourself next tim e you stand guard. BXJMPITIS. A New Disease. D u ring my stay here in camp I have dis- covered a new disease. It is entirely dis sim ilar to measles, pneumonia, fevers and other diseases which are naturally preva lent among large bodies of men. The germ of this strange disease is found only in the brain cells of embryo sergeants. It develops rapidly. The first symptoms can be detected by closely observing the vic tim as he gazes from side to side at three sm all strips of cloth firmly cemented to his sh ir t sleeves, and his artificial look of im portance. As tim e goes on the disease enters its second or more serious stage. The germ s overpow er the w h ite corpuscles, and the suf ferer shows his m isery by establishing new rules of his own. He may re-write the drill regulations a t a m o m ent’s notice. He will turn in all men who perm it one m inute to elapse after fatigue call is blown. He tries to enter conversation w ith the officers, he applies for a furlough so as to convince the home folks of his superiority over their neighbor’s son, he looks in all shop windows at the natty lieutenant’s uniform s on display and examines same closely, and he repeated ly shouts “close up” when he takes the com pany on a hike. The only treatm e n t or cure for this te r rible disease is by exposing the victim to the rem a inder of the company a t the next enter tainm e n t or perform ance given by the men. This is best done by having a courageous private who can handle his dukes compose a little verse gently rem inding him th a t the others are aw are of his ailm ent. A fter he has swallowed this verbal dose, though he will try to put on a sickly smile, he will sneak to his ten t w ith a crestfallen air, satisfied th a t after all he is only a m ere m an. J. C. C. Ambulance Co. 106. THE LAST STRAW. A new health regulation issued by th e state board of health to conform w ith th e U n ited States public health service regula tions for Spartanburg and all cantonm e n t towns in South Carolina, is th a t all bottled goods, such as soft drinks, m u st be sold and served in the original containers w ith straw s inserted in th e bottles. The contents m u st not be poured into a glass. The governm ent regulation regarding th e w ashing of dishes at public eating places re quires th a t all dishes be w ashed and rinsed in boiling w ater. The N u t num b e r of the Gas A ttack will contain no chestnuts.