THE WADSWORTH GAS ATTACK a n d RIO GRANDE RATTLER NUTS WILL BE NUTS By A rthur Robinson, O. I . 0. “We’re getting out a Nut Number/* said the editor of The Gas A ttack, “and it’s about time you w rote something for us/* “Oh, y e s ! ” I said, w ith sarcastic signifi cance. Not even an editor can fool me. A m om ent or two of thought and silence followed. “B u t w h a t shall I w rite?” I asked. “Oh! A n y thing a t all will do, so long as it’s nutty,” he answered. “I got you, K e rnel,” I replied, ju s t like th a t—and straightw a y I sat down to a type w riter. I placed my fingers upon the keyboard and sim u lated thought. No ideas erupted. “Som e thing/’ I said, “is the m a tter w ith this typew riter. It won’t work. A nut is loose, or som ething.” “So I have noticed,” said the editor. B u t I said nothing, and continued to think. Finally I h it it. I recalled a true n u t story about three soldiers who had been bayoneted by Lucifer J. Cupid and had, con sequently, gone out of their minds. My friend, F rank, told me the story last Sum m er at B righton Beach. Women to Blame. F ran k had made the statem e n t th a t women are the cause of m ost of the trouble in this little old world, and a little lady in the party resented it. “At ease,” said Frank, “give me your at tention.” “A _ few years ago,” he began, “X h ad oc casion to inspect an insane asylum w ith a fam ous alienist. In the course of my in spection I encountered an inm a te who spoke rationally, thought logically and, altogether, conducted him self in a m ilitary m anner. D espite this I thought he was sane and told Dr. Whoozis so. “ ‘Ask him a question/ said the doctor. And I did. I asked him how long he had been in the N a tional Guard. He told me. There was nothing in this to indicate th a t his service in the N. G. had affected his mind, even though he had been made a corporal several m o n ths before he was con fined to the asylum. “ ‘Have you ever w ritten sports for a New York paper?’ I asked him. He an swered in the negative. “ ‘Have you ever had any sudden sorrow? —a sorrow w h ich m ight affect your m ind?’ “ ‘No, never/ he replied. ‘I’m sane.’ “I asked him if he had ever suffered an overwhelm ing financial r e v e r s a l; I asked him a num b er of other questions, and to each of these he answ ered logically. “ ‘H e re/ I thought, ‘is a bird who really is sane.’ I could think of but one more ques tion and 1 put it to him. “ ‘Have you ever been in love?9 I asked. “WOW! WOW! WOOF! WOOF! And the inm a te rose on his haunches and barked like a mad dog. “I walked away, satisfied th a t Dr. Whoozis was right. “W e paused before another padded cell, further on. In it was an old private of the regular arm y who had seen service in the Philippines. “ ‘T h e re/ said Dr. Whoozis, ‘is a sad case. T h a t m an was engaged to a girl whom he had known since childhood. On the day set for their m a rriage the girl eloped and m a r ried a supply sergeant.’ “There was som ething appealing and pa thetic in the m a n ’s helplessness. It was hard to look upon him, so we walked away. “We came to another cell, at the end of the tier. In it was another arm y man. He lay flat on his back, on a m a ttress in the center of the cell. Steel chains were tied to his ankles and w rists so th a t he could not move in any direction. His face was livid w ith m adness and the muscles of his neck bulged. “ ‘W h a t/ I asked Dr. W hoozis, ‘is the story attached to th a t m a n ? ’ “ ‘Oh, that m an?—THAT MAN IS TH E SUPPLY SERGEANT WHO MARRIED THE! GIRL THE FELLOW DOWN THE LIN E WAS TO HAVE M ARRIED/ ” BLAZE IN BLIGHTY VILLA. “B lighty V illa,” in the lair of the H ead quarters Troop, w h ere the B ritish N. C. O.’s reside, was the scene of a brisk blaze last week. The B ritishers had been under fire, before, however, so they were not much flustered. Sergeant-M ajor Tector roared out an alarm . Sergeant Gray, in lieu of w ater, hurled buckets of snow on the blaze. The fire was finally extinguished w ith the aid of P rivate T h o rnhill’s silk pajam a s, w hich w ere damaged in the operation. CAPTAIN STOCKBRIDGE LOSES PETE. The Pioneers have lost Pete. R a ther, Capt. Morton Stockbridge, adju tan t of the 53d Pioneer Infantry, has lost him. Pete was a 54-inch bull snake, captured by the Pioneers in the wilds of V irginia, when they were on guard up there. The C arolina clim ate was too much for Pete. He contracted a bad case of eppizooty, which tied him in bow- knots. Capt. Stockbridge found Pete bent into a pretzel-shape, and quite defunct. Pete was buried w ith m ilitary honors. EIGHT LITTLE SOLDIERS. Eight little soldiers Living in a tent; They all w ent away from here, And this is how they went: E ight little soldiers, Good enough for Heaven. One sassed the captain, And th a t left seven. Seven little soldiers, Very nicely fixed. One got some liquor, And th a t left six. Six little soldiers, Very much alive. One slept at reveille, And th a t left five. Five little soldiers, Made the Sibley roar. One of ’em froze to death, And th a t left four. Four little soldiers, Out upon a spree. The M. P . ’s got one, And th a t left three. Three little soldiers, Feeling very blue. One w ent to w ard 15, And th a t left two. Two little soldiers, W ishing for some fun. One took seconds on the stew, And th a t left one. One little soldier, Living all alone. He took the P. and N.— And th a t left none. A. F. SMITH, Med. Det. Base Hospital. DISTINGUISHED VISITORS HERE. A ssistant Secretary of W ar and Chief of ■ Staff of U. S. Army a t Camp W adsworth. Camp W a d sw o rth was honored by a visit from Hon. B enedict Crowell, A ssistant Sec retary of W ar, and Major General John Biddle, acting chief of staff of the U n ited States Army, January 16th. They w ere shown about the camp by M ajor G eneral John F. O’Ryan. In the m o rning they re viewed the 107th Infantry, which m ade a splendid showing.