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Image provided by: New York State Military History Museum
6 GAS ATTACK CONFESSIONS OF AN ARTILLERYMAN No, 3. Non-Coms. To a buck private there is nothing more obnoxious in life than the sound of a non- com ’s voice. I am not particularly vicious by nature. My disposition is above all things sweet and placid. But oft-times, when I am sweating over the pungent flanks of some vivacious gowel, and Corporal Legree, from his position in the haypile, raps out sundry w itty remarks anent my general stupidity, laziness and all around uselessness when it comes to wielding a curry comb—then, oh gentle reader, the blood lust enters my veins, and I realize why electric chairs are kept so busy! There are all kinds of non-coms in this army. My chum confided to me one night th a t in civil life he was sure they make up the large and flourishing wife-beating class th a t keeps the reporters of the Bronx Home News busy. We all know the conscientious non-com, who keeps his lips firmly compressed, and worries himself sick over the missing bu t ton on P rivate Goop’s blouse. H e ’s the kind of a pest that insists one man can carry that log, and when pressed to prove it, carries it himself for ten feet, amid loud cheers. Every night, when everybody else has gone to bed, and the ridge-pole quivers gently to the crescendo solo from the buck who snores, this non-com goes down upon his knees and prays that the morrow will witness no in fringem ent on his part of the book of Regula tions/ Model 1918. Then there is the humorous non-com, who has developed a voice that is the closest imi tation of a Wisconsin buzz-saw that I have ever heard. Upon rising in the morning, he takes a large m outhful of barbed wire, casts a hasty glance over Joe M iller’s Joke Book, and goes forth in search of prey. He is at his best when some gang of grimy privates swing pick and shovel in the early afternoon sun. I t is refreshing to hear his jovial com ments, especially when a new crop of blisters comes into active being, and the pickaxe a t tains the weight of a Flemish church bell. Some day he will be kicked in the plumpest portion of his anatomy by our most leaden footed steed, and when he is carried away in the stretcher, I will tell him exactly how funny it all was and how I w o u ldn’t have missed it for the world. The ambitious non-com is a fam iliar indi vidual. He may be easily distinguished by the way he stands at attention. His arms have an exaggerated crook at the elbows, his chin is sunk into his wishbone, and he nour ishes the fallacy that the human chest is sit uated in the lower rear instead of where it properly belongs. The day after he took the oath of enlistment he bought a pair of silver bars, and sometimes he is seized w ith the fear that the money could better have been spent on eagles of the same metal. He will rise. Nothing can stop him. Let us hope that he rises from the toe of a Number 10 army shoe. But, alas, miracles seldom happen these pro saic days. There are other types of non-coms I ’d like to w rite about, but I don’t w ant to appear vindictive or at all set against the little dears. I suppose th e y ’re necessary, after all. Come to think of it, w hat would we do w ith all our single mount sadldes if there were no non-coms to fill them? I actually knew a non-com once th a t everybody liked. A fter he was broke, he became the worst goldbrick in the outfit. S. S., B a ttery D, 104th E. A. A CHANCE TO GET GAS ATTACKS. There has always been so great a demand for back copies of the Gas A ttack th a t many of the num b e rs have long since been ex hausted. The m anagem e n t has been collect ing the num b ers as far as possible. We now offer for delivery the following num b ers: 1 , 2, 3 5 4, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18. If you send to the Gas Attack, Camp W adsw o rth, you can get the above numbers. All will be sent to you for 75 cents. Act quickly be cause there is a great dem and for this pop ular periodical which will grow in value yearly. J. S. KINGSLEY. NO GAS ATTACKS BEFORE NOON. The delivery system of the G a s A t t a c k contains one ancient automobile suffering from locomoter ataxia so it is impossible for all the canteens and Y. M. C. A.’s to get the G a s A t t a c k at the same time. It takes fully a day to distribute the num b ers. In order th a t no canteen will be handicapped by starting its selling late, the rule has been made th a t the G a s A t t a c k w ill not he on sale before Saturday noon at 12 sharp of each week. Please co-operate w ith the can teens and don’t try to get them to sell you G a s A t t a c k s before noon. BRIG. GEN. CARLETON’S LARGER COMMAND. By an order from the W a r D e p a rtm e n t Brig. Gen. Guy Carleton, comm anding the provisional corps and arm y troops will as sume command of all troops in Camp W ads w o rth which are not in the 27th Division. The w o rding of the order indicates th a t the W a r D e p a rtm e n t intends th a t another divi sion shall be organized w h en the 27th moves. CAPT. HOLBROOK ACQUITTED. A court m a rtial has found Capt. Rossiter Holbrook, Co. C, 106th Infantry, not guilty of the charge of intoxication and disorderly conduct for which he was tried. THREE GENERALS MEET TO EX AMINE OFFICERS. Maj. Gen. Carter and Brig. Gen. Mann Visited Camp Last Week. Maj. Gen. W. H. C a rter and Brig. Gen. W. A. Mann came to camp last w eek to serve w ith Maj. Gen. John F. O’Ryan on a board to exam ine officers. The board finished its work in two days. The order convening this board authorized it to m e e t elsew h ere th a n Camp W adsw o rth, after com p leting its work here, but as yet no order has been issued for another meeting. General C a rter and General Mann were keenly interested in Camp W adsw o rth and in the troops stationed here. They seem ed to be greatly pleased w ith the camp and its arrangem e n ts and the fine discipline of the men. They were carried through the trench system by General O’Ryan, and made com plim e n tary rem a rks about the lay-out and the kind of instruction th a t is being given here. They were particularly interested in the camouflage w ork in and near the trenches, and said they had never seen any thing finer anyw here. G eneral C a rter was placed on the retired list some tim e ago on account of age, but he w o u ldn’t stay put. He has been in com m and of the central departm e n t of the arm y for some time, w ith headquarters at Chi cago, and is capable of doing a lot of hard work despite his advancing years. He is youngish looking and spry, and laughingly said th a t he could outride and outw alk half the youngsters in the army. But General C a rter is one of the veterans. He entered the arm y during the Civil W ar, when only tw elve and a half years old, as a dispatch bearer, and has been in the serv ice ever since. He entered W e st Point when he was only 17, and has seen all kinds of service and in all parts of the country. He is one of the m ost popular officers in the arm y and the officers in Camp W adsw o rth greatly enjoyed his visit. BRING BACK THE BINOCULARS. Someone has borrowed—and kept—a pair of binoculars—type EE—No. 26717, w ith mill scale on left lens. They w ere taken from the tru n k of Lieut. M u rray E. Cramer, Co. M, 107th Infantry. He needs them badly, and will appreciate it if they are returned at once. No questions will be asked. All he w ants are the binoculars. ACTION, NOT WORDS. Sammy—How do you manage to get on so well w ith the French girls when you can’t speak the lingo? Jackie—You’re dead slow. Can’t ye kiss a girl w ithout a dictionary?—Brow n ing’s Magazine.
