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Image provided by: New York State Military History Museum
GAS ATTACK 7 THE IDEAS OF ETHELBURT JELLYBACK, PRIVATE, It was a w arm afternoon and I was lying back on my cot, resting against the luxurious sofa pillows sent me from home. Some how the officers had been unable to think up anything more for us to do, so they had sent us to our tents for a study period. Under the furled sides of the ten t stole a sun-laden breeze. By “sun-laden” I m ean th a t the sun was shining outside of the tent and th a t the breeze, in passing through the sunlight before reaching me, acquired som ething of the heat diffused by the burn ing orb of day. To be crude about it, it was hot. I began to fear th a t I would perspire. I flung open the collar of my woolen shirt. I called to Jim Mugrums, who lay sprawled out over his cot, next to me. He lifted up his funny little, dirt-sm eared face. 1 had decided to send him on an errand, for I was thirsty. “Mugrums, I have a commission for you to execute.” “If I gotta commission, t h a t ’s w h a t they’d do—execute me.” • I told M ugrums to run up to the canteen and buy me a bottle of soda and a palm leaf fan. He m u ttered in protest. “Can’t you see I’m bunk fatiguing?” “Don’t employ th a t uncouth phrase, ‘bunk fatigue.’ R a ther should you say you are lounge luxuriating. B u t now be off, Mug rum s, or I’ll w ithhold your salary as my orderly.” Mugrums a Nubian Slave. Grumbling, he started for the canteen. There are two kinds of canteens in the army, I m ay say. In one you carry w a ter that tastes frightfully. In the other you buy soda w a ter th a t tastes frightfully. It was to the latter th a t M ugrums w ent—a wooden structure in which is sold everything from shoe strings to gumdrops. It is a country general store w ithout the w h iskers. W hen M ugrums returned I bade him open the bottle of soda, called “pop” by soldiers less discrim inating in their choice of lan guage, and had him pour the liquid into a queer old china mug. Then I ordered him to stand over me w ith the palm leaf fan, like a N ubian slave, while I lay back, sip ping the soda and reading a m ilitary book. “A las!” I lam ented, “If there were only some cracked ice in this drink. B u t then, we are at w ar and these are some of the hardships I m u st suffer.” I had but a little w h ile enjoyed this re freshm e n t when the captain entered the tent. Mugrums shouted: “A ttention!” But I was so com fortably ensconced in my pil lowed resting place w ith my beverage and XVIII. On How He Would Rewrite the Infantry Drill Regulations book in hand th a t it was w ith difficulty I got to my feet. The captain frowned. “W here did you get the m u g ?” he de manded. “He can’t help it, sir,” I replied, th in k ing he was referring to Mugrums. “He came into the arm y th a t way.” “W hy aren’t you studying your Infantry D rill R e g u lations? W h a t book is th a t in your hand?” “It is entitled ‘M ilitary Fashions in Sm a rt Clothes for the Coming Season.’ It is so much more refined than the drill reg ulations, sir.” take this work myself. For the good of the service, don’t you know ?” “Oh, you would, eh?” “Yes, sir. For instance, there is the m a n u a l of arm s. The book says ‘the m anual is taught at a halt.’ I have also seen it taught by the halt, the lame, and the blind. If I w ere to w rite the drill regulations I would say th a t to bring a squad to a halt you give the command, ‘squad, halt.’ Then I would explain it by saying th a t ‘at the command halt, given as either foot strikes the ground, plant the other foot as in m a rching; raise and place the first foot by the side of the other; look forw a rd at the graceful pine trees etched against the blue sky, how statutesque they look, in silhouette like a Japanese print; see the peach trees, pink and gray in their “So?” said the captain, paying great atten tion to me. The Idea Comes to Ethelburt. “Yes, sir. As a m a tter of fact, now th a t you have solicited my ideas on the topic, the drill regulations are dull reading, frig h t fully d u ll! They should be rew ritten by some person w ith more im a g ination and poetic diction. There should be more sprightly conversation sprinkled throughout its pages, repartee and badinage. Yes, they should be rew ritten at once. No tim e should be lost. T h ink of the thousands of young men who are now taking up this book for the first time, and how they would read it w ith greater avidity, in fact w ith eager an ticipation, if it w ere prepared in the fashion of one of our best sellers, w ith a love in terest, and a rising climax! Can’t you just fancy it, sir? I w ish I had tim e to under blossoms, w h a t carnival attire; harken to the birds, how sw eetly their song gushes upon the m o rning air by the num b ers.” I paused to see w h a t effect my idea was having upon the captain. He was evidently im pressed. He fixed his eyes on me, spell bound. M ugrums stood w ith one hand clap ped over his mouth, undoubtedly endeavor ing to conceal his smudgy face. The Idea Grows. “Sir,” I continued, “do you recall the cer emony of evening parade—how it is de scribed in the regulations when the adjutant directs the band to ‘sound off?’ All th a t the regulations say is th a t ‘the band, playing in quick tim e, passes in front of the line of officers to the left of the line and back to its post on the right, when it ceases playing/ How bald and empty th a t description is! Here is the way I would w rite it, sir: ‘The (Continued on page 38)
