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Image provided by: New York State Military History Museum
THE WADSWORTH GAS ATTACK a n d RIO GRANDE RATTLER 7 THE IDEAS OF ETHELBURT JELLYBACK, PRIVATE VI. On Aviation, and the Unusual Steps He Takes to Pass the Examina tion for that Branch of the Service, Also on the Interior Decoration of Tents, I have an abhorrence for the word '‘police.” H ere in cam p one is always policing som ething—the street or the kitchen or the shower baths or anything the officers can think up in those idle mo m ents when th e ir minds run riot. Of course, in civil life the word police m e a n t to me the rotund patrolm a n who said, “Good day, Mr. Jellyback,” w h enever I rode up F ifth Avenue in my limousine. In civil life the police only pick up intoxi cated or law less persons about the streets. In arm y life they pick up anything in the street—sticks, straw s, cigarette butts, and any sort of m ineral or vegetable m a tter. It is so annoying! No Rubbish in the Air. T h a t was one of the things th a t decided me to try to tran s fer to another branch of the service. I selected aviation. In avia tion, I thought, one would always be flying around, don't you know. And th e r e ’s noth ing to police in the air. As soon as I heard about the terribly strict tests which were conducted in the exam ination for aviation, I set about prac ticing to m ake m y self perfect. My friends prophesied th a t I would succeed in aviation. “It ought to be easy for you to go up in the air,” said Jim M ugrums, th a t smudgy- faced little first-class private who sleeps in the next cot to me. Moreover, w h en I was home in New York, am ong our set, I frequently danced in the ballroom of the Biltm ore, tw e n ty floors in the air. Fancy that! I have also ridden on F if th Avenue busses. E thelburt Overcomes Dizziness. I discovered th a t one of the tests to which I m u st subm it was to sit upon a piano stool—I love music, you know—and perm it the exam iner to tw irl the stool around rap idly, a t the end of w hich I m u s t arise and w alk tow a rds a specified object. I realized th a t the turning about on the stool would create in m ost chaps a dizziness th a t would render their subsequent footsteps uncertain. So, w h a t did I do, thoughtful fellow th a t I am, but go out to the drill grounds and rehearse the movem ents. I turned about on my heal an astonishing num b er of tim es and then made straight for one of the tall pines in the patch of woods fringing the drill grounds. I practiced this for a week. I also asked some of my tentm a tes to stick needles into me at unexpected m om ents and places to see if I would jump. This was a test for steady nerves, you know. They chose the unexpected m o m ents all right, but they alw ays selected the sam e place. Of course my breeches are reinforced at th a t place, but my epiderm is, alas, possesses no such support. I had to beg Jim Mug rum s to desist. But, Alas! His Disappointment. And then, after this careful preparation I w ent into the exam ination and failed to pass. Im agine my disappointm e n t. The exam iner said I w a sn’t norm al. I now see my m istake. I had practiced so efficaciously that I was too efficient. I got up from the revolving piano stool and w alked directly and unw averingly tow a rds the object I was told to approach. Of course, I knew I w a sn’t norm a l’. I was too perfect. They w anted a fellow who couldn’t m e e t the rigid requirem e n ts. I could have told them be fore I w e n t into the room th a t I was super norm al. My corporal, Flanagan, looked astonished when I told him the depressing news of my rejection. He turned to me sym p a thetic ally. A Tribute to His Intellect. “If I could buy your brains for w h a t they’re w o rth,” he said, “and then sell them for w h a t you think they’re w o rth, I’d be a m illionaire.” The corporal m e a n t this to be a compli m ent, naturally, but the untutored fellow wras unfortunate in his choice of words. But then, he didn’t have the training of a Jellyback. A fter this setback, I cast about in my mind for suitable activities in w h ich to em ploy my talents. I simply can’t go on as other privates do. So, I h it upon the ex cellent schem e of im p roving the home-like appearance of tents. I decided to organize the Association for the Interior Decoration of Tents. I believe in all form s of organ ized labor, but I prefer to do the organizing and let others less gifted do the labor. E thelbu rt’s Association. I planned to have my A s s o c iation for the Interior Decoration of Tents establish a fund to purchase quaint little sketches and w a ter colors, attractive cretonne hangings, and artistic bric-a-brac and statu a ry w ith which to decorate our tents. But I m e t w ith little success in broaching the topic to my tent-m a te s. T h a t detestable Jim Mugrums said : “I’d be willing to chip in two-bits for a statue of Yenus de Milo to hang my socks on at night. I’m getting sick of having to reach under my bunk and pull ’em out of my m ess cup every m o rning.” I w e n t on to explain to him the im p o rtance of having the interior of one’s ten t h a r monize w ith one’s mood. On certain days my mood is bright. I w a n t bright, cheery pictures around me. On other days my mood is olive drab. I told M ugrums th a t certain articles of furniture are only suited to certain persons. “Yep,” he piped up, irrevelantly, “the only chair for you to sit in is a black one w ith electrical upholstering in a little room at O ssining.” But I daresay th a t later on I shall come in contact w ith fellows who will appreciate my plan. M eanwhile I shall be working on other ideas as they occur to me—providing, of course, th a t I have the tim e to do them justice. ETH E L B U R T JELLYBACK, Private. (C. D.) CAMP LIBRARY RUNNING. The Camp L ibrary is open for business. It is situated in the old w h ite church not far from Division H eadquarters. It is free to all soldiers, who may take out books. Take advantage of it.
